being told you're beautiful

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Postby neverenough » Sat May 19, 2012 5:50 am

pink socks
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Postby pink socks » Tue Feb 19, 2013 2:26 pm

After reading these I feel better.I am new to the website and new to the name of this illness. I have been doing this for ten years and never knew it was a real thing. It was just something I did.

Personally I am told that I am absolutely stunning, gorgeous, model like, perfect. Not just by particular people, but by the majority of people. Even when I am out shopping or anything I am always given soooo much attention by women and men. I always have been given lots of attention but I've always been so humble about it. I am unusual looking, massive eyes, long wavy hair, extra long eyelashes and freckles. I have a curvy body (have always loved food and always eat what I want). I always dress very well- always colour coordinated matching accessories, nails done. Everything has to be just so. I even remember when I was little I had to have my shoe laces tied as tightly as possible! And I couldn't let anyone else do them. I wonder if this has been in me for a long time masquerading.

I always stick to the 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' because I genuinely think that is true. I believe that being cocky about one's looks is very off putting in anyone. I am never overly confident and never fancy myself because I've seen women like that and I really think how pathetic it is to be so up yourself. Attractiveness is not based entirely on looks for me, one has to be a nice person as well. If someone fancies themselves I really don't think they are attractive. I just think that they think everyone fancies them.
Personally I am quietly confident that I am beautiful and I am often told that I am by lots of people but this doesn't fill me with confidence. My personality is what combines to make me the attractive person that I am I think...but then there's this problem....and you all know what it is. Squeezing and picking!
Why, if I am so gorgeous do I uncontrollably try to ruin that which everyone else is envious of? I squeeze and squeeze my face, and more recently chest and legs. (I am told I have gorgeous legs and I am scarring them!) WHY WHY why?? I do feel beautiful but I certainly don't once I've had a session. It's my birthday in a few weeks and I don't want to wear tights. I hope I can leave my legs alone until then but I couldn't not do it this last week. I think subconsciously I am trying to give people (and more precisely women reasons not to dislike me). I often get 'I'm so jealous of your hair, of your eyes/eyelashes/ body' allsorts and somewhere in my head, I heard once that because you have marks on your face today you're not going to anger other women.

I NEED TO GET OVER IT. THIS IS JUST ONE OF THE REASONS I HAVE DISCOvered since knowing this is a real illness.

We are all beautiful in our own ways and we should all stop making ourselves less beautiful for whatever our reasons. I think I am posting this on my mirror. I'm down to one mirror to put my makeup on but it isn't working.

Please reply with your stories. I am learning so much from you all.

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Re: being told you're beautiful

Postby lonewolfrissy » Sun Sep 04, 2016 1:01 am

It's a self-esteem/perception issue. And more than likely us convincing ourselves what we think we need to be.

My other half will tell me I an beautiful (except when I am struggling to stop) and I believe him. I just Haven't broken that invisible wall. I also have convinced myself that I need to be at the same level as him, when the reality is, I will never be him. I always tell people that he isn't human. He has been through things that just floors people. I get mixed feelings about it. I love that I have someone who isn't normal. But now, I have an issue with trying to compensate.

We are our own worst enemy and critic.

Pink Socks, like you, I have been doing this since puberty. Only over the last few years had my problem became worse. Only in the last two months did I discover that our "bad habit" had a legit medical term. I found it, dermatrichotilia (sp?), doing google searches on how to stop.

I need and want to stop. I can't go to school or find work, looking like a victim of war. I don't want my daughter growing up and having the same problem because I couldn't just stop, despite wanting to. I am lucky if I can get spots to heal up. I am lucky to not pick for a few days before I feel the urge again. I can only describe it in two ways of the feeling. One, it'S a tingling feeling and like a light switch being played with. Two, it's a demon and I don't know how to fight it.

I struggle to communicate my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way because I don't know how to put it into words a lot of the time. Or because I don't know why I feel the way I do.

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Re: being told you're beautiful

Postby icandothis » Sat Sep 17, 2016 7:21 pm

I can totally relate lone wolf! Thank you for your response here.

Especially re: I struggle to communicate my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way because I don't know how to put it into words a lot of the time. Or because I don't know why I feel the way I do.

Im with you.
My friend texted me yesterday " How are you feeling?" And I could not answer! It totally arrested me - I had so many feelings, and could not separate or distinguish them. I also felt guilty for having the feelings, the swirly stew that they were, and also for not being able to express myself. Super defeating. I think when I don't express my feelings in a timely and relevant fashion, that they get backed up, and mixed together - becoming ambiguous and confusing as all hell. And then I get down on myself, and feel dumb for not being able to simply say how I feel. I also notice that I don't think I can be honest about my feelings - that the way I feel will be "wrong". So - I'm actually afraid that the feelings I have and express will be wrong - like - no, thats not how you feel. That whatever I say is a wrong answer. WHAT!?

As far as being told you're beautiful: I was never told I was beautiful growing up - or at least, I don't remember - especially not by my mother, maybe here and there by my grandmother - and only recently has she started to tell me this. I never know what to believe, though. She and my mother are both on the narcissist spectrum, so I am constantly suspicious of their compliments. And second guessing them as a manipulative.

When I was younger, and people would see my mom and I together and comment on how much we look alike, my mother would always say "she gets her good looks from Gary" (my Dad). And I know this is a way that my mom would self-deprecate, and in a sideways way try to compliment my Dad, or take the attention off her, but I would always interpret it as - She would never want to look like me; She is ashamed of me and how I look; She doesn't want anything to do with me; She is embarrassed by me; I am not beautiful, like her, and never will be.

My mom is beautiful - and growing up, she was just an effortless beauty - at least thats what I gather from family photos. Perfect body, and never had skin problems, etc. The thing she complains about was she had a tooth out of place, but was at some point corrected with braces. It seems to me, that she lived a pretty charmed life and was just easily beautiful, and desired throughout.

Ive been through some MAJOR awkward and ugly phases, and have always wanted to be noticed and appreciated for my not so obvious beauty (which I always believed and fantasized I had)...but maybe its just that Im not so beautiful after all. And now as Im writing this, Im like - who cares anyway?

Well, clearly I have cared, a great deal.

So I think Ive been comparing myself - to my mother, my sister, who is also classically beautiful, and other women in my life. And my internal dialogue has been - There is no way I can compete, or that Id be as or more beautiful as they. So,its that defeat again, and I suppose a punishment to follow, by picking. I think appearance has been a deep theme in my family - though everyone would likely deny it. And its the very thing that I feel I cannot achieve - and thus the very thing that destroys me.

If there was jealousy (if I'm not just imagining it), then likely, I was ultra sensitive to that as a child and adolescent. So, I think that as a way to bond, and not be rejected or abandoned (emotionally etc) by my mom, that being ugly, was a safe place to be. I would no longer be a threat to my mother, and no longer attract attention from men. (I was also paranoid that the men in my family, including dad, would take interest in me sexually). So - I killed two birds with one stone - ensuring safety and acceptance from mom and sister, and repelling Dad and other men. I still experience this confusing discomfort with both male and female relationships.

I feel like Ive been doing everything I can to fit in and be accepted, be liked. This - making myself ugly and hiding myself via picking is just one mode of expression, but in a backwards way. Im trying too hard, and I'm looking too closely. And when I do this, I LOSE SIGHT OF MYSELF. I think this is what part of me has wanted - to not be seen, be invisible, a shadow. So I've found ways to do so over time. I guess not seeing myself has appeared easier... to survive, cope with difficult relationships - and scary, unsafe - feeling emotions.

Though, my younger self has been wanting to be seen for so long now. And she's been asking me to see her. I think this is part of the unveiling. I am starting to listen to her and also see her...

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Re: being told you're beautiful

Postby lonewolfrissy » Fri Nov 25, 2016 1:02 am

You're welcome. :) I'm very happy right now. The board seems to be more alive now then before when I was starting to post here. I'm still glad that I found this place. I've also been coming to slow realization of a lot of things in the last couple months since last posting here. Especially how much stress I was under.

Back in Sept, literally four days after posting here, I came home sick with the 24 hour flu that had been going around.(I had also managed to stop screwing with my skin and was healing.) I was already under tension with that, an upcoming hernia surgery for my husband and trying to tackle school that was going through temp teachers until a permanent teacher could be found. I started the day off feeling great. Over the course of the day, I went from feeling great and worrying about the traffic and a car with an overheating issue, praying the car wouldn't die on me, to having a 102(A little fuzzy on the number) fever and feeling like I had been hit by the train I was complaining about. The second day, I was feeling a little better but I was still sick. That evening was a big holy shit open eye time period. I was being detained for 24 hours for a crime I was accused of and completely innocent of committing. I had been placed in hand cuffs, transported in the back of a squad car, stayed the night at the local police station and transferred the following morning the local county jailhouse. They were prepping me a cell and bed before I was released because of insufficient evidence.

I have never been so numb, mentally and physically, scared or embarrassed in my life as I was then. I could not feel anything beyond the emotional hell of fear and anger. I had no way of knowing what my fate was. I had no way of knowing if I was ever seeing my family again. My local police station saw all of my picking scars and the remnants of the last picking session then. This was my greatest motivation to continue to find a way to help me stop. Total complete strangers had seen my scars. I also have never wanted to be away from a place more than that jailhouse. I wanted as much distance from me and it as possible upon release. I spent a week, struggling with the depression and anxiety of that trauma. I was afraid of leaving my house for fear of being arrested for simply breathing air.

I came back to school, started missing a few more days of school. I came back to a new permanent teacher and a different campus director than when I had left. I broke down twice in her office for things I wouldn't normally break for. God bless that woman! She granted me a permitted 3 month leave of absence so that I could get the help needed and to regain myself. The help was a major hit and miss. Nobody that was contacted was accepting new patients for good reasons and the other I couldn't understand. But I needed the break. My husband had his hernia surgery. We came to find out his intestine had knotted itself around his scrotum. The surgeon couldn't believe that he could use the bathroom, let alone still be alive. I shouldn't have my husband. I stated before that he's accomplished things that have floored people. He just floored the medical community. He should have been dead but he isn't.

Now, I've picked again. This time, the damage isn't as severe as previous times. I've been a little more conscious about what I was doing. I started spending more time keeping my hands busy, keeping my skin moisturized and a little extra vitamins to help with healing my skin. Oh man the difference is nice!!! My skin isn't as itchy and the picked spots healed a lot faster than before. Oh and actually getting some good sleep in all of this!!! Hahaha!

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